In the style of the-n.com's avatars, I present something that is probably only funny to me (and AP), Avatar Neville:
On a Saturday afternoon, with the sun sliding through the eastern-facing windows, and smell of breakfast still lingering in the air, I often think to myself "why have I listened through the entirety of car talk? How did that happen? Those guys are entertaining to themselves in direct proportion to how much I hate them. And boy do they entertain themselves!" And yet, lazily, I've let their hour pass. And then Jonathan Schwartz comes on. And I think to myself "I sure have a lot of beer bottles lying around. I wish Jonathan Schwartz would come over, and I could put all those beer bottles in a heavy-duty plastic bag and smash a brick against that bag, again and again, until the bag was filled with fine glass shards. Then how wonderful would it be, on this lazy Saturday afternoon, to pour those glass shards down Jonathan Schwartz's throat. And then punch him in the throat." Instead I just turn to WFMU and am happy to get through that episode in my life. But someday, someday my chance will come.
On the other hand, I really like Steven Devlin. He's a great guy. I would never feed him glass.
He seems to be making it. He was always a small joy on Ed. (I realize I may have scorn heaped upon me for this -- hell, I already have -- but I did quite like Ed. They had an episode with a scrabble bit that was really nerdy and right on. But that's just an example of why I liked it. A synecdoche, if you will*!) Now I just saw a commercial for some dumbish college rompedy starring him. Good for him. Whatever the fuck his name is.
* Oh, you will.
To: MTV Networks
From: Tony Zito
Subject: My Problem
Hi everyone. I'm travelling to China next week, for a conjugal trip. I will certainly take contraceptive device or drug. Also, I just wanted to let you know that I am prone to violent diarrhea. I'll bring you back a lucky cat!
sincerely,
t.
I first got ahold of the Butthole Surfers Locust Abortion Technician album around 1988, soon after it came out. It was a cassette actually -- I was 15 and it was my sad, angry, portable medium of choice. The album opens with a rather over-wrought and way too self-satisfiedly ironic dialogue between a supposed father and son in which the son asks "Daddy, what does 'regret' mean?" To which the father answers, "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is...It's better to regret something you *have* done than to regret something you haven't done."
I've treated these words as gospel since then, not that my rather staid life would evidence it. The words often echo in my head as I consider courses of action. Kind of embarrassing, I guess, but there it is. In the back of my mind I always assumed that they were ripping the thought off, that such wisdom couldn't have come straight from a bunch of such fucked-up tards.(warning, that's a video link...but well worth watching!) But it seems it did -- extensive googling points to Gibby and the BS as the source.
I don't have a point, I just have a blog.
Here's the track:
Sweat Loaf
So, my homework this week for improv class (it's level 4 -- don't fuck with me. I'm either a complete sucker or I'm highly advanced) is to watch some animal television. I think the ideal would be some old school lions-devouring-gazelles drama. But I tuned into Animal Planet, and what I get is a show called "Planet's Funniest Animals." I pity the planet. Because if these are the funniest animals we've got, then god bless global warming. It's like America's Funniest Home Videos but without the dignity or the humor. I just watched a cat fall off something. And a dog jump *underneath* a trampoline. At one point (1986?) that dog would've gotten a sitcom deal, but audiences have gotten a little more sophisticated since then. We require some shitting and/or pissing from our animal comics to be satisfied.
Ugh. The host just signed off with a reminder to "wind your watch....dogs!" Who the fuck winds a watch anymore, dogs?
Coming soon: batshit lovely beijing traveller's guide. Here's the cover:
If all my friends were burns, I would have, according to friendster, 54 1st degree burns, 2882 2nd degree burns, and 93458 3rd degree burns.
I would be a sad wreck, and very likely dead. I thank my lucky stars that my friends aren't burns.
...is this. How can you not love a site that has for its top level navigation the categories:
●Somooth Move
●Soft Machine
●Ample massiveness
●Giantic form
●Appearance/Disappear
●Any place. Any time
That's pretty much exactly how I want my obituary to read. In the future, when obituaries are done in powerpoint.
