Robot Porn

Telling your companies about your problem might be helpful in case of emergency

To: MTV Networks
From: Tony Zito
Subject: My Problem

Hi everyone. I'm travelling to China next week, for a conjugal trip. I will certainly take contraceptive device or drug. Also, I just wanted to let you know that I am prone to violent diarrhea. I'll bring you back a lucky cat!

sincerely,
t.

Regret

I first got ahold of the Butthole Surfers Locust Abortion Technician album around 1988, soon after it came out. It was a cassette actually -- I was 15 and it was my sad, angry, portable medium of choice. The album opens with a rather over-wrought and way too self-satisfiedly ironic dialogue between a supposed father and son in which the son asks "Daddy, what does 'regret' mean?" To which the father answers, "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is...It's better to regret something you *have* done than to regret something you haven't done."

I've treated these words as gospel since then, not that my rather staid life would evidence it. The words often echo in my head as I consider courses of action. Kind of embarrassing, I guess, but there it is. In the back of my mind I always assumed that they were ripping the thought off, that such wisdom couldn't have come straight from a bunch of such fucked-up tards.(warning, that's a video link...but well worth watching!) But it seems it did -- extensive googling points to Gibby and the BS as the source.

I don't have a point, I just have a blog.

Here's the track:
Sweat Loaf

RIP Desmond Dekker

We'll miss ya.

007 (Shanty Town)
King of Ska (with the Cherry Pies)

Planet's Funniest Animals

So, my homework this week for improv class (it's level 4 -- don't fuck with me. I'm either a complete sucker or I'm highly advanced) is to watch some animal television. I think the ideal would be some old school lions-devouring-gazelles drama. But I tuned into Animal Planet, and what I get is a show called "Planet's Funniest Animals." I pity the planet. Because if these are the funniest animals we've got, then god bless global warming. It's like America's Funniest Home Videos but without the dignity or the humor. I just watched a cat fall off something. And a dog jump *underneath* a trampoline. At one point (1986?) that dog would've gotten a sitcom deal, but audiences have gotten a little more sophisticated since then. We require some shitting and/or pissing from our animal comics to be satisfied.

Ugh. The host just signed off with a reminder to "wind your watch....dogs!" Who the fuck winds a watch anymore, dogs?

Coming soon: batshit lovely beijing traveller's guide. Here's the cover:

last.fm

I'm really digging last.fm lately. The song box on the right is thanks to them. It's a great way to show people how much cooler I am than they are.

If all my friends were burns...

If all my friends were burns, I would have, according to friendster, 54 1st degree burns, 2882 2nd degree burns, and 93458 3rd degree burns.

I would be a sad wreck, and very likely dead. I thank my lucky stars that my friends aren't burns.

My new favorite website...

...is this. How can you not love a site that has for its top level navigation the categories:

●Somooth Move
●Soft Machine
●Ample massiveness
●Giantic form
●Appearance/Disappear
●Any place. Any time

That's pretty much exactly how I want my obituary to read. In the future, when obituaries are done in powerpoint.